Every once in a while, I find myself telling a story that I keep telling myself, "Hey, Kristi... be quiet!! Don't tell this one!!" Yet, the words still tumble out of my mouth, partially due to the childish fascination I hold with whatever the topic at hand is, and partially because stories loathe a half-telling.
Earlier this week, I answered the question, "Mommy, what is a stunt devil?" Now, more level-headed friends of mine have handled this question with grace with their children, referring to the job of keeping actors safe.
Me? No... That just didn't happen. Within a moment of being asked the dreaded question, I instantly became a child again. "Oh, stunt devils are SO COOL!! They get to do all sorts of dangerous stuff for their JOB, and they do really cool tricks... check it out... I'll show you." Yeah, YouTube can be a curse. So, afternoons have been spent with my little superheros testing the limits of jumping, tumbling and somersaulting across the living room. (These limits have been closely supervised to prevent injury.)
Today's shut-up moment happened at our weekly date. See, I try to take the boys on a date for lunch about once a week. I use these opportunities to bond with them and teach them table manners (although I am not sure how long they can go on, I am quickly running out of gifted restaurant gift cards...).
The boys were being so good. Elbows off the table, fork properly pressed between the right fingers, and definitely not fidgeting in their seats.
"Mommy, did you grow up in Yuma?"
"Yes, baby, I did."
"Can you tell me about the river?"
"Sure, baby. One time, when Mommy was a little girl, I was playing down by the river. See, I loved playing by the river- because I could curl my toes in the mud and feel the sun on my skin, and sometimes even build forts in the trees.
One day, when I was playing by the river, I came across a red snake with black stripes... or maybe it was a black snake with red stripes...."
(*thought: really, Kristi, you are going to tell the snake story??? REALLY??)
Daegan's eyes widened in amazement. "A snake, mama? A REAL SNAKE?"
"Yes baby, a real snake. So I caught the snake..."
"How, Mama? How did you catch the snake?"
"Well, I found a branch that was shaped like a Y..."
"Why like a Y?"
(*thought: really, Kristi... you are going to teach them how to catch snakes? REALLY?)
"Well, baby, if the branch is like a Y, then it trapped the snakes head like THIS, and the snake can't escape or bite you...
YOU KNOW WE NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH SNAKES, RIGHT????"
"Right, Mama, that's dangerous..."
"So, anyway, I caught the snake with a Y-shaped branch and picked it up..."
"It didn't bite you?"
"No baby, it didn't bite me, because I knew how to handle snakes."
"What? How did you pick it up without you getting a bite?"
"Well, I grabbed it right behind the skull," I demonstrated on Logan, "so that the snake cannot, absolutely cannot whip around and bite you.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU NEVER, EVER TOUCH SNAKES, right?? And that this was very dumb of Mommy and VERY DANGEROUS, right?"
"Right. We NEVER play with snakes. There are NO nice snakes."
"Right baby. So, I picked up the snake and then realized that I was in trouble."
"Why were you in trouble?"
"Um, baby, because I was holding a snake!"
"Ooooh."
"So, now I knew that I was in trouble. So, I grabbed the snake as hard as I could and ran home to have my mom help me. See, I couldn't just put the snake down. It would turn around and bite me. Anyway, I ran home to my mom, your Grammy, and showed her the red-with-black-stripes or black-with-red-stripes snake. And she..."
"She helped you because Grammy is so brave."
"No, baby. She is brave, but not with snakes. She freaked out."
"Ooooh, so what did you do?"
"I went outside, and summoned my inner cowgirl and swung that snake above my head like cowboys swing a lasso... after a couple swings, when I was sure it would fly far, I let it go and watched it fly through the air."
"Whoa!! That was so brave!! Did it die?"
"No baby."
"Well, then what happened?"
"It slithered off into the grass, to find a new home. Or maybe go back to the river. Who knows? All I know is that I WAS VERY LUCKY IT DIDN'T BITE ME."
"Yeah, Mommy. You should know better than to play with snakes."
"Yeah baby. And don't you dare EVER touch a snake in the wild. Got it?"
"Got it."
*sigh*
